April 24/09

I was over at my parent’s house yesterday. The house I grew up in from the time I was a baby and now that I am almost 36, so they have had it for a long time. In a week it will belong to someone else. This I have known for a long time. Since my parents have separated and the house has been on the market for awhile. I was with Skye and we were walking around the property. It all came flooding back to me. Not that I had forgotten any of it. But I guess because I won’t just be able to go over there now and walk around to remember. I felt very sad. I wished for Bob. I wished for things to be the way they were. Even though I know we have to accept, accept change, nothing ever stays the same. With every step it reminded me of the things Bob and I used to do there. All the times we would walk around the property, planning, planting, fixing up, having fires with just ourselves or friends & family. Crazy parties, field burnings. Our wedding. Having Skye. Bob having trouble with his legs. He had started limping the year before our wedding. I remember him building the deck with my dad and him having problems with his leg. Little did we know how severe it would be. That was 2003 and now it is 2009. And Bob isn’t with us anymore. And I am left to move on, realizing how much change has happened in the last several years. Bob and I getting married, having Skye, happy, building our lives together, making plans for the house. Then Bob getting sick. Just like that, everything changed. Then because you know you wouldn’t want to make more stress for ourselves or anything, let’s build a new house. Move, Bob deteriorating everyday. Fundraising, the dance, Bobfest, raising awareness. Being parents. Taking care of Bob and Skye. And you would think life couldn’t get any harder than that. The last year and a half since Bob died has been probably the hardest in my life. People might find that hard to believe. When Bob was sick it was devastating as well but we still had Bob. So now all these things slap me in the face daily to remind me that my only choice is to move on. I have accepted. I think:) But sometimes I don’t want to accept.